So, there is a new James Bond film or something coming out this weekend. I've gotten a few invites to see this film, and the conversation usually comes out like this:

Them: So, are you seeing the new Bond film?
Me: Nah. I have this thing.
Them: What is it?
Me: A vagina.

I kid, I kid. Although I refuse to infiltrate the sanctity of a midnight showing when I've never seen any of the previous installments. Like, there were Muggles that went to the premiere of Deathly Hallows Part II. Why? Gross.

Bond is a franchise that I'm ridiculously ignorant about. I know, this is what Google is for. But how about I make myself look like a pop cultureless dipwad instead?

Here is literally everything I have come to understand about the James Bond series (although most of this is probably not true):

1. James Bond is a secret agent. Except not so secret because everyone on the entire planet seems to know who he is.
   
   
2. He goes by 007. I don't know what that means, though. It's his code name or something.
   (Fun fact: If you look in the mirror and say "double 0 seven" three times, James Bond will appear behind you covered with oil and wearing a towel.)
   
   
3. James Bond owns an impressive array of suits.
   
   
4. James Bond's job is to save...the world. He just saves the crap out of it. All the time.
   
   
5. James Bond owns a gun. And I'm assuming he knows martial arts of some kind.
   
   
6. He probably has an arch nemesis or something, but I don't know who he is.
   
   
7. In his spare time, James Bond is attempting to "bond" with every hot woman possible. And by "bond" I mean have sex with them. He probably has a lot of STDs, but this hasn't been confirmed.
   
   
8. The woman James Bond has sex with the most is the Bond Girl. Halle Berry was a Bond Girl once.
   
   
9. The requirements for being a Bond Girl are 1) hot 2) able to fire a gun 3) capable of witty banter so as to be mistaken for a strong female lead even though she's probably just an objectified female sidekick and 4) hot.
   
   
10. He says "the name's Bond, James Bond" a lot.

The plot of every James Bond movie is pretty much like this: James Bond is given a mission to save something. After shooting a lot and dealing with a lot of explosions, he saves that thing. Also, James Bond gets a lot of tail. The end.

This newest movie is called Skyfall. It's the "best Bond movie ever," but they say that about every Bond movie, so I don't know. I'm assuming the sky is actually falling, and James Bond has to...catch it? While shooting henchmen and having sex with women? Spoiler alert: He succeeds.

I don't love being ignorant, though, so here are some legitimate questions for people who are James Bond fans.

• Do you have to watch all of the movies to appreciate the series? I just Googled this, and there are 23 of them? Ain't nobody got time for that.
  
  
• How can multiple people play James Bond? To try to explain this to my nerdy self, I make Doctor Who parallels because a) there is a primary male lead the whole series revolves around b) multiple people have played the same character and c) he has a primary female companion. The difference is that I actually understand why the Doctor has been played by several different actors. For James Bond, I just picture it like this:
  
  [after the first few Bond films were made]
  Guy Playing Bond: I quit or something.
  Guy That Created James Bond: Eh, whatever. Let's just cast this second guy to start playing him.
  Everyone Else: But we made an entire series around this guy! Won't that throw people off?
  Guy That Created James Bond: Nah! We'll just cast a new guy, say he's Bond, and he'll be Bond. Nobody will care.
  
  And for some reason nobody did, so they just kept doing this for 23 more movies.
  
  
• Is James Bond a cat person or a dog person?

I'm going to stop prodding my grubby little fingers into movie franchises they don't belong now.

As all of you with a calendar know, Halloween is tomorrow. This is otherwise known as a slut's favorite holiday. There are usually two different routes that this time of year travels in, conversation-wise:

1. Oh em gee, what a trampslut whoreskank! How dare she wear that? My eyes and my delicate sensibilities will never recover!
2.  This holiday OBJECTIFIES women. Brb, gotta burn some bras and hold up picket signs.

In response to Route 1, I'm on Team Wear Whatever You Want. Your costume choice has no affect on me and if I had your butt, I would probably wear that too. Also, have fun freezing your lady nads off; it's under 50 degrees outside.

For Route 2, I see this point somewhat. It's a tad annoying that it's near impossible to find a store bought costume that isn't skanky nowadays. (I usually opt to piece together my own. It's not so much in protest, but more that I prefer to be original.) And on that vein, where is my Men Run Around With Hardly Any Clothing On holiday? Men of the world, if you're still stuck on a costume, just walk around with no shirt. There are several costume possibilities here.

• Tarzan
• Ryan Gosling in pretty much any of his movies
• Guy allergic to clothes (top portion)
• Abercrombie & Fitch model
• That Jacob guy in Twilight that never wears a shirt

The ladies will thank you.

Believe it or not, I'm not going to go in either route today. It's not the existence of slutty costumes that annoys me. The thing that gets me is how little effort it takes. There is no creativity involved. Just shorten, tighten, and unleash the sweater puppies. Bam. Insta-slut. You can literally do this with every seemingly innocent costume.

But just because you can doesn't mean you should. There are some costumes that are such horrible ideas, you stop getting annoyed and start mocking.

Because I care so much, I personally scoured the deepest reaches of online shopping to bring you...*drumroll*... Five of the Most WTFingly Bad Halloween Costumes That I Found During My Hour Long Search on Amazon.com! Because seriously, this means that likely an entire team of people thought these were a good idea.

5. Sexy Spongebob



Picture this: You're at a Halloween party. You're talking to a guy you're into. When he looks down at your shirt, there are Spongebob's eyes. Staring into his soul. Judging him for his hormones and his male nature. I don't see this one turning out well, do you?

4. Sexy Monster


Do you know what every man finds irresistible in a woman? Every guy wants a girl that can trap a muppet, kill it, and wear its skin as a victory hood. This girl went above and beyond by using Grimace as her boots.

3. Sexy Tin Man


Admit it. Out of all of the characters in the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man was by far the hottest. Quite a few costumes also tried to sexualize the Cowardly Lion (I kid you not, one costume was spelled out as the "Cowdarly Lion"), but these attempts fell short of the stud muffin that was the Tin Man. He's a heartless man that actually wants a heart (how rare is that?), but he has a thing for oil. What more could you want?

2. Sexy Severed Gorilla Hand


 In the very least, at least you're guaranteed to get to second base.

1. Sexy Baby


There is only one way I can imagine this costume design meeting going: "Let's take literally the least sexualizable thing on the entire planet, and let's make a slutty costume out of it!" I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Dear Next Guy I Entangle Into Romantic Involvement With Me,

For the record, I'm sort of a master of staying single for long periods of time and being mostly content with it. However, I can't help but notice lately that you haven't managed to show up yet. I know the universe doesn't work like this: "I am ready! Generate me a partner!" Then there isn't going to be a thunderclap, and you're not going to instantaneously appear in front of me. It's frustrating nonetheless. It doesn't really help that everyone I know is getting into serious relationships, and even marriages; I feel like I missed out on some memo.

I hope you've realized all of this already, but I'm a pretty awesome person. My face isn't completely abrasive to look at. I'm funny. I'm capable of smart, deep, meaningful conversation. I'm not only honest, but it's nearly impossible for me not to be. (If you need confirmation on this, just ask my mom. She has seen "the look of lie" on several occasions.) I'm an unconditional, attentive, supportive listener. Most of all, while my loyalty is hard won, I'll bend over backwards for those that I care about. (I can give several family members, friends, and coworkers for references.)

You'd think, logistically, there would be several people who would want to tap this. Well...I've dated some other men in the past. If I were a book and there was a page of reviews written about me, I think it would look something like this:

These are direct quotes, by the way. (Except the last one. I've never actually had a guy rate me five stars.) I'd hate to advertise that I'm a perfect person, a perfect girlfriend, or that I didn't contribute at all to these failed relationships. All of the above is a falsehood, although I'd like to think I've learned and grown from it. The point is, while there are reasons my past relationships didn't work out, I haven't went out with anyone who wouldn't recommend dating me.

I've also been doing this really weird thing in my casual dating where I show interest in the guys I'm into, but try not to lead on the others. I know! That's crazy, right? I mean, who does that? Girls that don't play mind games and are looking for a straightforward, honest connection with someone? Pffft! Regardless of this, I've seen a pattern.

Guy: I like you.
Me: Awesome sauce.
Guy: Like, I really like you a lot.
Me: Cool beans!
Guy: I'm leaving very little room for doubt that I'm into you.
Me: Scha-weet!
Guy: All signals are go that I want to keep seeing you.
Me: Yay! I feel the exact same way about you!
Guy: Um...you know what? Scratch all of that.
Me: ...
Guy: Interest. Feelings. Off. Gone.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Guy: Yep.
Me: ...Want to show me only vague interest and get my hopes up that you'll change your mind back one day?
Guy: Okay!

I don't know if you're interpreting all of this the same way I am, Future Boyfriend. You know what it has felt like to me, though? Guy after guy is looking me right in the face, taking into consideration all of my awesome qualities and everything I have to offer them, and saying, "Eh. No, thanks. I'll pass." 

This is starting to get tiring. I wish I was an emotional BAMF, someone whose self-esteem doesn't take a hit based on who doesn't want to date them. The truth is, I just care. A lot. About everything, really. Whatever I invest myself in -- from my job, to my friends and family -- I give 110%. I have a lot of love in this big, puffy heart of mine. Whenever I get taken advantage of, it's hard to remember that caring isn't an inherently bad quality.

I must say this is good news for you, Future Boyfriend, because you can only gain from this. As for the other guys, I'm trying to feel a little less sorry for myself and a little more sorry for them. I can't make anyone's life decisions for them, but I wouldn't recommend discarding someone like me. Oh, well. That's their prerogative, I guess. Have fun not having the best girlfriend ever? Congratulations on your life and your choices?

Right now I have some time to think about what I hope you're going to be like when I finally do meet you. Let's just say that I hope you're awesome.

I hope you're funny, smart, and creative.

I hope watching the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, back to back to back, sounds like a good date idea.

I hope you sometimes surprise me at my work just to say hello. I have coworkers whose boyfriends do this, and it's pretty freaking adorable.

My most important criteria lately, however, is that I hope you handle relationships the same way I handle relationships. When I'm with a man I give him consistent attention, rock hard support, and unfaltering appreciation. I'm realizing that I deserve to get this in return, as well.

I don't necessarily need it right now. But it would be nice.

(Seriously, though. Hurry up, already.)

It's been over five months since the Official Announcement that I'm Going to Blog Again and I'm...well, blogging again. I hope this proves that I was serious. I also have the Blogger dashboard on my toolbar, which should doubly prove that I was serious.

I can see how you can be skeptical, however, my dearest Blog. I've led you on. I've told you I would come back to you, but I didn't. I have made many promises I didn't keep. I subjected you to a tub of Ben & Jerry's, watching Titanic, having a sob-a-long with "My Heart Will Go On."

For all of that, baby, I feel bad. I nearly let the best Blog that ever happened to me go forever. I want to try to make us work again.

However, I understand there is a lot of bitterness between us. I don't expect us to start out and be the way we were, Bloggykins. A lot has changed about me since we have been apart. I have a different job, and a new career path. I've met new people and gotten into some new things. I have bangs now. Yet there is one thing that hasn't changed about me: I'm a snarkbucket extraordinaire. I believe, if we take it slow and get reacquainted, there's a chance we can work out.

Let's pretend we're on our first date. I'll take you somewhere a bit on the sexy side, because we have a history and I have some intentions. No? You're not ready for that yet? Okay, baby. I respect you.

Tell you about myself? Okay! We'll start with the basics. Name? Whitney. Age? Anywhere between twelve and thirty-three. Job? Yes. School? Working on it.

Things I like? Cheesy pop music. Pretending I go to a prestigious, British boarding school for wizards. Board games. Several different foods that are horrible for my health and wondering how I'm not dead yet, or at least 75 pounds heavier. Planning out what I would do if the zombie apocalypse began in whatever room I'm in. Referencing television shows.

My dating life? I have several relationships with fictional characters, and they are thriving.

With this base of honesty, trust, and knowledge, I think Blog and I can plan on a lovely June wedding.

For those of you who are wondering, here are the reasons why I haven't blogged in the better half of a year:

1. I got one of those job things people keep talking about. This takes up quite a bit of my time.
2. When I'm not working, I have to put that time into things that are not my job. For example: Eating, sleeping, errand running, or Tumblr.
3. It's a bit difficult to come up with blog ideas when you're dead tired all the time.
4. I know that the universal code of conduct for blogging is BLOG ALL THE TIME, but I'm a firm believer in quality rather than quantity. If I'm not married to a post idea, it won't happen. Trust me, it's better for everyone involved that these half-baked ideas never see the light of day.

I can come up with excuses all day. Believe me.

All of that being said, I miss this blog of mine. I refuse to let it die. (Although it may become the Rory Williams or Kenny McCormick of blogs, where it just dies over and over again.)

I'm going to make a promise to you, readers, here and now. I, Whitney, hereby promise to WRITE. More. Than I currently am! Yep. These are the general goals I make for my life. That probably explains why I'm broke and single, as well. Technically, from this post alone, I've already met my goal. Claps for me!

While it's best to not get unrealistic (like promising weekly blog posts...how do people even DO that?), and while it's very likely this post might crop up again in another eight months, know that my intentions are true in this moment. Know that I fully mean to blog again, even if it means pushing myself to a little bit. Even if it means using a few of my rapidly disappearing, short circuiting brain cells.

But of course, being...well...me, it's important to point out that harassment on your point is not only recommended, but encouraged.