Jan
16
This entry is about a month premature, but I figured I would get my cynicism out of the way so I could spend this February 14th reveling in my single awesomeness.As a single woman, it's practically my job to mock people who are in relationships. I have all this free time that I would otherwise be using by arguing with my boyfriend. When I have my own beau, I fully expect to be ridiculed. It's the Circle of Life.
Anyone that has been single for the majority of their life can more than likely come up with more than four obnoxious couples. These just came to me at random. Now, I bestow upon you...four types of obnoxious couples!
4. Conveniently Named Couples
Pretty much names that sound too perfect together. This includes couples that you don't have to force a celebrity couples name for (i.e. "Brangelina" and "Bennifer"), alliterations, names that rhyme and, God forbid, having the same name. These couples aren't inherently obnoxious. It's the way they're presented. They're like twins, or a circus sideshow act or something. It's unnatural.
I'm sure when the people involved in the couple think about it, it's like:
"My name is Zoey. His name is Zac. Kinda cool, huh?"
Whereas in my head, I picture this:
"I'm Zoey and he's Zac, and we searched the world in all of its E's and J's and R's to find each other. We're both also unconventionally spelled, which only adds to our soul mate factor. Stare at us in wonder and bow to us in our perfectly named glory!"
This is like Nicolas Sparks is planning out and writing their lives, and it's gross. Couples with quirks appeal to me more than the seemingly perfect ones. I am much more likely to swoon over a couple named Harry and Voldemorta. They beat the odds.
3. Teenagers
I try not to be ageist, but I'm not a fan of teenagers. I didn't like being around teenagers even when I actually was one, and that includes myself. Teens are irrational creatures and preoccupy themselves with several silly things. Put a few hundred of them together, add hormones and the opposite sex, and they're just hilarious.
You're probably thinking, 'C'mon, Whitney. Don't act like you had it all figured out at 16 years old." I didn't. I was stupid. Teenagers just should not date! Arguably this time in life does have a lot to do with learning, but it's like teaching someone how to swim. You could spend weeks watching them barely hold themselves above water, or you could throw them off of a pier while shouting, "Learn or die!"
That's cruel. However, we have student drivers at sixteen. We should start making student daters, as well. They could wear a t-shirt that says "Student Dater," and a dating instructor could bark instructions at them. "No, Sarah, you are only with this guy because you think he's hot. There is no lasting potential here beyond a few weeks tops." "Robert, stop making out with her! Talk to her about Nicki Minaj or something!" "Janet, just because you have the same favorite color doesn't mean you're in love with him!"
2. The Obsessed
This happens to everyone. You have a new boyfriend, and it's awesome. You can call him multiple times a day, and he won't place a restraining order on you. You can finally change your relationship status, and you're squeeing inside. He's your favorite topic of conversation. When you go out to lunch, you want to stand on your table with a megaphone and shout, "You see that guy?! That is my boyfriend!"
For most, within a few months, this wears off. You're still happy, but the feeling has transferred from a drug induced hyperactivity to a warm comforting glow worm in your tummy. Those that never progress to this next stage only worsen to the point of being unbearable over time.
I've been both the person with the boyfriend and the single one hearing about my friend's boyfriend. As someone who has had to deal with girls who I'm sure keep locks of their guy's hair in a bottle around their neck and make dolls out of his chewing gum, I have one mission and one mission only: Don't be obnoxious. Allow myself to talk about my boyfriend, but integrate that topic with your family and work and movies and all that other stuff that actually matters in my life.
It just doesn't seem worth it when you get into a conversation like this:
Friend: My boyfriend is so cute!
Me: Awww, that's awesome! Speaking of cute, today my niece...
Friend: Last Saturday we went on a date, and when he picked me up he was wearing a green shirt. He looks so good in green!
Me: ...He must be an autumn, then. So...
Friend: Then he took me to get pizza, and it's like, how does he know I love pizza? It's like he read my mind!
Me: I think that's a safe bet. Well...
Friend: And he held my hand! But he didn't interlace his fingers with mine, so I don't know what to make of that...
Me: I have cancer!
Friend: And than after that we went to see that new Jennifer Lopez movie...
Me: You realize there's a war going on, right?
Then you go onto Facebook to talk to people without having to actually talk to people, and it's a couples frenzy. Statuses dedicated to each other. Multiple posts on each other's wall. Five profile picture changes, all of the two of you together. We get it. You're in a relationship. That's great. When you rub it into the rest of the world's faces, though? That's a little less great.
1. The Drama Llamas
This one is the doozy. Instead of thinking, 'Hey, this relationship sucks. I should get out of it,' they seem to thrive off of each other. They're constantly fighting. They're broken up and gotten back together multiple times. They hate how much they love each other and love how much they HATE each other! It's not real love unless it's difficult and passionate. Give me a break.
It's like the experiment with rats. One door electrocutes you when you touch it, while the other has cheese. Some only need to be electrocuted once to think, 'Hey. That hurt. I should go for the other door. It has cheese.' It seems to me that some want the electrocuting door to be the cheese door so badly that they're willing to zap themselves into a charred mess of defeat.
That may not sound very logical to you. That's because it's not logical. Neither is trying to talk to someone in a relationship like this:
"This is just a hunch, but your relationship with this girl isn't exactly healthy."
"But I love her! I love her!"
"Right, yeah, that many splendored thing. But do you remember that time she cheated on you with your brother? That doesn't sound very splendored to me."
"She just needed to be with that guy to show her that we're meant to be together."
"Um. Okay?"
"I'm accepting my constant heartache like a champ. If I am obsessed with her and in denial for long enough, she'll see how unshakable my love is and want to marry me. It's passionate."
"Or you could put all of that passion into something else? Like maybe a hobby? Or finding a therapist?"
Unfortunately it seems like more couples fit into the obnoxious category than the not-obnoxious category. That is what makes that one find so special. To the singles, we'll party it up in our singletude. To the healthy relationships, claps for you! And to the rest of you...go find your cheese.
This post has so much truth in it. ILU.
ACCURATE POST IS ACCURATE. Unfortunately. I totally agree with your idea for student daters, though. It would be nice to wear a sign saying, "I'm new to this, please help me!" Fumbling through is never quite so fun.
I know too many people like this D: