As all of you with a calendar know, Halloween is tomorrow. This is otherwise known as a slut's favorite holiday. There are usually two different routes that this time of year travels in, conversation-wise:

1. Oh em gee, what a trampslut whoreskank! How dare she wear that? My eyes and my delicate sensibilities will never recover!
2.  This holiday OBJECTIFIES women. Brb, gotta burn some bras and hold up picket signs.

In response to Route 1, I'm on Team Wear Whatever You Want. Your costume choice has no affect on me and if I had your butt, I would probably wear that too. Also, have fun freezing your lady nads off; it's under 50 degrees outside.

For Route 2, I see this point somewhat. It's a tad annoying that it's near impossible to find a store bought costume that isn't skanky nowadays. (I usually opt to piece together my own. It's not so much in protest, but more that I prefer to be original.) And on that vein, where is my Men Run Around With Hardly Any Clothing On holiday? Men of the world, if you're still stuck on a costume, just walk around with no shirt. There are several costume possibilities here.

• Tarzan
• Ryan Gosling in pretty much any of his movies
• Guy allergic to clothes (top portion)
• Abercrombie & Fitch model
• That Jacob guy in Twilight that never wears a shirt

The ladies will thank you.

Believe it or not, I'm not going to go in either route today. It's not the existence of slutty costumes that annoys me. The thing that gets me is how little effort it takes. There is no creativity involved. Just shorten, tighten, and unleash the sweater puppies. Bam. Insta-slut. You can literally do this with every seemingly innocent costume.

But just because you can doesn't mean you should. There are some costumes that are such horrible ideas, you stop getting annoyed and start mocking.

Because I care so much, I personally scoured the deepest reaches of online shopping to bring you...*drumroll*... Five of the Most WTFingly Bad Halloween Costumes That I Found During My Hour Long Search on Amazon.com! Because seriously, this means that likely an entire team of people thought these were a good idea.

5. Sexy Spongebob



Picture this: You're at a Halloween party. You're talking to a guy you're into. When he looks down at your shirt, there are Spongebob's eyes. Staring into his soul. Judging him for his hormones and his male nature. I don't see this one turning out well, do you?

4. Sexy Monster


Do you know what every man finds irresistible in a woman? Every guy wants a girl that can trap a muppet, kill it, and wear its skin as a victory hood. This girl went above and beyond by using Grimace as her boots.

3. Sexy Tin Man


Admit it. Out of all of the characters in the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man was by far the hottest. Quite a few costumes also tried to sexualize the Cowardly Lion (I kid you not, one costume was spelled out as the "Cowdarly Lion"), but these attempts fell short of the stud muffin that was the Tin Man. He's a heartless man that actually wants a heart (how rare is that?), but he has a thing for oil. What more could you want?

2. Sexy Severed Gorilla Hand


 In the very least, at least you're guaranteed to get to second base.

1. Sexy Baby


There is only one way I can imagine this costume design meeting going: "Let's take literally the least sexualizable thing on the entire planet, and let's make a slutty costume out of it!" I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Dear Next Guy I Entangle Into Romantic Involvement With Me,

For the record, I'm sort of a master of staying single for long periods of time and being mostly content with it. However, I can't help but notice lately that you haven't managed to show up yet. I know the universe doesn't work like this: "I am ready! Generate me a partner!" Then there isn't going to be a thunderclap, and you're not going to instantaneously appear in front of me. It's frustrating nonetheless. It doesn't really help that everyone I know is getting into serious relationships, and even marriages; I feel like I missed out on some memo.

I hope you've realized all of this already, but I'm a pretty awesome person. My face isn't completely abrasive to look at. I'm funny. I'm capable of smart, deep, meaningful conversation. I'm not only honest, but it's nearly impossible for me not to be. (If you need confirmation on this, just ask my mom. She has seen "the look of lie" on several occasions.) I'm an unconditional, attentive, supportive listener. Most of all, while my loyalty is hard won, I'll bend over backwards for those that I care about. (I can give several family members, friends, and coworkers for references.)

You'd think, logistically, there would be several people who would want to tap this. Well...I've dated some other men in the past. If I were a book and there was a page of reviews written about me, I think it would look something like this:

These are direct quotes, by the way. (Except the last one. I've never actually had a guy rate me five stars.) I'd hate to advertise that I'm a perfect person, a perfect girlfriend, or that I didn't contribute at all to these failed relationships. All of the above is a falsehood, although I'd like to think I've learned and grown from it. The point is, while there are reasons my past relationships didn't work out, I haven't went out with anyone who wouldn't recommend dating me.

I've also been doing this really weird thing in my casual dating where I show interest in the guys I'm into, but try not to lead on the others. I know! That's crazy, right? I mean, who does that? Girls that don't play mind games and are looking for a straightforward, honest connection with someone? Pffft! Regardless of this, I've seen a pattern.

Guy: I like you.
Me: Awesome sauce.
Guy: Like, I really like you a lot.
Me: Cool beans!
Guy: I'm leaving very little room for doubt that I'm into you.
Me: Scha-weet!
Guy: All signals are go that I want to keep seeing you.
Me: Yay! I feel the exact same way about you!
Guy: Um...you know what? Scratch all of that.
Me: ...
Guy: Interest. Feelings. Off. Gone.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Guy: Yep.
Me: ...Want to show me only vague interest and get my hopes up that you'll change your mind back one day?
Guy: Okay!

I don't know if you're interpreting all of this the same way I am, Future Boyfriend. You know what it has felt like to me, though? Guy after guy is looking me right in the face, taking into consideration all of my awesome qualities and everything I have to offer them, and saying, "Eh. No, thanks. I'll pass." 

This is starting to get tiring. I wish I was an emotional BAMF, someone whose self-esteem doesn't take a hit based on who doesn't want to date them. The truth is, I just care. A lot. About everything, really. Whatever I invest myself in -- from my job, to my friends and family -- I give 110%. I have a lot of love in this big, puffy heart of mine. Whenever I get taken advantage of, it's hard to remember that caring isn't an inherently bad quality.

I must say this is good news for you, Future Boyfriend, because you can only gain from this. As for the other guys, I'm trying to feel a little less sorry for myself and a little more sorry for them. I can't make anyone's life decisions for them, but I wouldn't recommend discarding someone like me. Oh, well. That's their prerogative, I guess. Have fun not having the best girlfriend ever? Congratulations on your life and your choices?

Right now I have some time to think about what I hope you're going to be like when I finally do meet you. Let's just say that I hope you're awesome.

I hope you're funny, smart, and creative.

I hope watching the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, back to back to back, sounds like a good date idea.

I hope you sometimes surprise me at my work just to say hello. I have coworkers whose boyfriends do this, and it's pretty freaking adorable.

My most important criteria lately, however, is that I hope you handle relationships the same way I handle relationships. When I'm with a man I give him consistent attention, rock hard support, and unfaltering appreciation. I'm realizing that I deserve to get this in return, as well.

I don't necessarily need it right now. But it would be nice.

(Seriously, though. Hurry up, already.)

It's been over five months since the Official Announcement that I'm Going to Blog Again and I'm...well, blogging again. I hope this proves that I was serious. I also have the Blogger dashboard on my toolbar, which should doubly prove that I was serious.

I can see how you can be skeptical, however, my dearest Blog. I've led you on. I've told you I would come back to you, but I didn't. I have made many promises I didn't keep. I subjected you to a tub of Ben & Jerry's, watching Titanic, having a sob-a-long with "My Heart Will Go On."

For all of that, baby, I feel bad. I nearly let the best Blog that ever happened to me go forever. I want to try to make us work again.

However, I understand there is a lot of bitterness between us. I don't expect us to start out and be the way we were, Bloggykins. A lot has changed about me since we have been apart. I have a different job, and a new career path. I've met new people and gotten into some new things. I have bangs now. Yet there is one thing that hasn't changed about me: I'm a snarkbucket extraordinaire. I believe, if we take it slow and get reacquainted, there's a chance we can work out.

Let's pretend we're on our first date. I'll take you somewhere a bit on the sexy side, because we have a history and I have some intentions. No? You're not ready for that yet? Okay, baby. I respect you.

Tell you about myself? Okay! We'll start with the basics. Name? Whitney. Age? Anywhere between twelve and thirty-three. Job? Yes. School? Working on it.

Things I like? Cheesy pop music. Pretending I go to a prestigious, British boarding school for wizards. Board games. Several different foods that are horrible for my health and wondering how I'm not dead yet, or at least 75 pounds heavier. Planning out what I would do if the zombie apocalypse began in whatever room I'm in. Referencing television shows.

My dating life? I have several relationships with fictional characters, and they are thriving.

With this base of honesty, trust, and knowledge, I think Blog and I can plan on a lovely June wedding.