So, there is a new James Bond film or something coming out this weekend. I've gotten a few invites to see this film, and the conversation usually comes out like this:

Them: So, are you seeing the new Bond film?
Me: Nah. I have this thing.
Them: What is it?
Me: A vagina.

I kid, I kid. Although I refuse to infiltrate the sanctity of a midnight showing when I've never seen any of the previous installments. Like, there were Muggles that went to the premiere of Deathly Hallows Part II. Why? Gross.

Bond is a franchise that I'm ridiculously ignorant about. I know, this is what Google is for. But how about I make myself look like a pop cultureless dipwad instead?

Here is literally everything I have come to understand about the James Bond series (although most of this is probably not true):

1. James Bond is a secret agent. Except not so secret because everyone on the entire planet seems to know who he is.
   
   
2. He goes by 007. I don't know what that means, though. It's his code name or something.
   (Fun fact: If you look in the mirror and say "double 0 seven" three times, James Bond will appear behind you covered with oil and wearing a towel.)
   
   
3. James Bond owns an impressive array of suits.
   
   
4. James Bond's job is to save...the world. He just saves the crap out of it. All the time.
   
   
5. James Bond owns a gun. And I'm assuming he knows martial arts of some kind.
   
   
6. He probably has an arch nemesis or something, but I don't know who he is.
   
   
7. In his spare time, James Bond is attempting to "bond" with every hot woman possible. And by "bond" I mean have sex with them. He probably has a lot of STDs, but this hasn't been confirmed.
   
   
8. The woman James Bond has sex with the most is the Bond Girl. Halle Berry was a Bond Girl once.
   
   
9. The requirements for being a Bond Girl are 1) hot 2) able to fire a gun 3) capable of witty banter so as to be mistaken for a strong female lead even though she's probably just an objectified female sidekick and 4) hot.
   
   
10. He says "the name's Bond, James Bond" a lot.

The plot of every James Bond movie is pretty much like this: James Bond is given a mission to save something. After shooting a lot and dealing with a lot of explosions, he saves that thing. Also, James Bond gets a lot of tail. The end.

This newest movie is called Skyfall. It's the "best Bond movie ever," but they say that about every Bond movie, so I don't know. I'm assuming the sky is actually falling, and James Bond has to...catch it? While shooting henchmen and having sex with women? Spoiler alert: He succeeds.

I don't love being ignorant, though, so here are some legitimate questions for people who are James Bond fans.

• Do you have to watch all of the movies to appreciate the series? I just Googled this, and there are 23 of them? Ain't nobody got time for that.
  
  
• How can multiple people play James Bond? To try to explain this to my nerdy self, I make Doctor Who parallels because a) there is a primary male lead the whole series revolves around b) multiple people have played the same character and c) he has a primary female companion. The difference is that I actually understand why the Doctor has been played by several different actors. For James Bond, I just picture it like this:
  
  [after the first few Bond films were made]
  Guy Playing Bond: I quit or something.
  Guy That Created James Bond: Eh, whatever. Let's just cast this second guy to start playing him.
  Everyone Else: But we made an entire series around this guy! Won't that throw people off?
  Guy That Created James Bond: Nah! We'll just cast a new guy, say he's Bond, and he'll be Bond. Nobody will care.
  
  And for some reason nobody did, so they just kept doing this for 23 more movies.
  
  
• Is James Bond a cat person or a dog person?

I'm going to stop prodding my grubby little fingers into movie franchises they don't belong now.

2 comments

1. Anna Gailey on November 9, 2012 at 1:53 PM

   I think James Bond might be a secret Time Lord. I mean, he's changed his appearance so many times it's the only logical explanation.

    
2. Anonymous on November 9, 2012 at 3:48 PM

   1. You do not have to watch all of them. Just Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. The three of them intertwine, unlike previous installments.
   
   2. James Bond is such an iconic Movie character. I think the only way people are going to be up in arms about who plays him is if they change his race or something. I've heard rumors that Idris Elba may be next in line to play Bond.
   
   3. I don't think he likes animals. LOL